13 Things You Don’t Know Before Divorce
I am about 4 years post-divorce and writing this piece to shine light on some fears and unknowns I had had prior to becoming a single mom. It’s been quite the journey.
The truth is, a divorce is a painful experience, but it can birth new, surprising, beautiful opportunities. This is not a vote for or against marriage or divorce. This is simply shinning the light on my own experience with being on the other side. I hope it can be helpful to others on their own journeys (Lord knows I could’ve used some of this info upfront!)
1) The first year feels psychotic.
All I can compare it to is the pain of heartbreak. Can’t sleep, can’t eat. Walking around in a confused haze, feeling overly self-conscious about the news spreading publicly. The first Thanksgiving without a husband, first Christmas splitting the holiday, first wedding invited to solo (that I declined). One moment I’d be fine, the next I’d be crying, angry and afraid of what had happened to my life. Overtime, things calmed down and I began feeling more comfortable with my new situation. It was a process of becoming, which was scary, painful but also exciting and hopeful.
2) You Mourn your past identity.
I’d been married for almost a decade, and my marriage had consumed much of my identity. So much of who I was had been a result of that relationship. To unravel those ties rocked every piece of me. Suddenly here I was a “single mom”-I hated that title and felt shame and fear. I grieved my role as a wife and what I’d known as my life. I had to let go of what had been and start to look at what was becoming.
3) Support is CRUCIAL.
I don’t know what I would’ve done without my parents. My mother and father were there for me through all of it and continue to be one of my greatest supports. My relationship with my sisters shifted, and I became more connected with each of them after years of being married. I went to counseling and found it to be very helpful with processing the changes, as well as many shifts in current relationships and newfound connections.
4) You’ll lose friends and make friends.
At first, I felt this overflow of love and support from anyone who heard about the news, and it felt nice. But as time passed, I noticed things got quiet. Some “friends” stopped connecting with me or including me on invites (ouch). I felt rejected, as if I was some outcast that no longer belonged. Overtime, I realized this was more about them than me, and I let go. It allowed me to open for a waterfall of new connections. Down to earth empathetic women were showing up in my life. I felt a deep connection with many of them, with genuine conversation about REAL stuff. I felt like “they got me”, and that was so validating.
5) Single parenting is HARD
Not only are you the only adult in the home raising the littles, but you’re also solely responsible for everything. Laundry, cooking, errands, repairs, appointments, bills, everything that takes place in and outside the home. Everything I had divided and conquered with my ex I was suddenly solely responsible for. All the while trying to fill the shoes of both parents at once. I’ve learned to balance and catch up on things when my kids are with their father so I can be present with them when they’re here. But to this day…it’s the trickiest piece of the puzzle.
6) You’ll Be More Present Than Ever
I’ve always wanted to be a mother, and the most horrifying part of divorce was I wouldn’t have my babies with me every day and night. That was quite the pill to swallow. Getting accustomed to saying goodbye while they spent time with their father was heart wrenching. But eventually it became the norm- they adjusted easily at their young ages, and I learned to keep myself incredibly busy with all the household chores, and focus on my self-care so when they returned, I was 110% theirs. I deeply crave and appreciate the time I have with my children, and they receive a mom that is more present and focused on them and engaged with them due to the nature of our split household. I try to make the best lemonade I can from it all.
7) Everything is Figure-out able
I’d never actually lived on my own, and felt I’d drown from all the unknowns. When I was married, my husband was fully responsible for our finances. He’s very organized, and honestly it felt overwhelming to me. Having to claim full duty for all the tasks he’d handled made me want to hide. The good news is, EVERYTHING is figure-out able. And quite honestly, once you learn how to do it all, it’s quite empowering. I am now the captain of this ship and feel more capable than ever because I’ve shown myself, I can handle it.
8) You Don’t Have to Hate Your Ex.
Every relationship is unique, as is the experience of divorce. I am grateful to say today, I don’t hate my ex. In fact, in my heart I still have love for him. There was a period of my life when he was my confidant, and I lived a long time next to him. I’m grateful for him and our history. I’m not saying I’m happy how it all went down- but I’m GRATEFUL for what it has unfolded. We each played key roles in each other’s journeys and have the most amazing two daughters from it all. The anger and pain from the past I’ve processed and let go of and shifted into a new type of relationship together as the parents of our daughters.
9) There are a LOT of fish.
I remember thinking “Will I ever find someone again?” I must laugh now as I look back. The answer is OFCORSE you will! There are literally billions of human beings on this planet, and most of them are searching for meaningful connections. Coming out of a long-term relationship we have a very limited view of just how big the world is and how many opportunities are out there. My BEST advice to finding love is to get active doing things you love, take care of you, and stretch outside your comfort zone every chance you get. Say “yes” to opportunities, meet new people, make connections, try out the dating apps, go on awkward first dates, make eye contact, and introduce yourself at the grocery store, comment back on the Facebook message, respond to the DM…. you never know until you know!
10) You Stand Stronger in Your Values
When you are on your own, your thoughts, feelings and behaviors are no longer tethered to someone else close by. You don’t experience repercussions from a relationship, it’s simply the consequences on yourself. It’s solely you. I feel like I know myself SO MUCH more than I ever had before. I believe we learn and grow in relationships, but we can also get lost and swept up in them and lose touch with parts of ourselves. I’ve taken advantage of a lot of time and opportunities to turn inward, reflect on my values and principles and how I want to live my life, and I’m standing stronger than ever in the light of myself these days.
11) Sleeping Solo is Two Thumbs Up
This was a BIG one for me. I’d been co-sleeping for most of my life, and I hated being by myself. At first it was difficult, but after a few nights I started to get used to sleeping alone. Today, I can say I absolutely LOVE it! There is nothing nicer than cuddling up in a warm soft bed, rolling over, and falling asleep with the peace of a calm, ambience-set bedroom. Soo good!
12) Partnerships Are an Option, not a Requirement
I’ve lived a life heavily driven by relationships. Ever since I was a young teen, I hadn’t had much time without a boyfriend or partner. I’d internalized the idea that having a partner ensures I am safe, loved and belong, and being single is a state of rejection and unworthiness (of course this nonsense ONLY applied to myself). As I reflect on my life, I realize how co-dependent I was functioning- to my own demise. My divorce created an opportunity to get some distance from my patterns, learn how to do things differently, and eventually gain perspective on how I’d been living my life. Today, I am in a relationship but only because I find it is healthy, supportive and does not consume my own identity. It’s not a requirement, and it does not define me or grade my worthiness (which I have always had). It’s simply a bonus part of living a life that feels aligned.
13) You Get to Create the Life You Deeply Desire
Divorce is a sad loss for all, and there are challenges and pain that will continue to live on. But it has given me the gift of an awakening to my existence and trajectory. Being married is a commitment to live a life with one partner, till death do us part. With that commitment brings certainty, assumptions, and eventually norms and ways of doing things with little room for reinvention. Its what naturally tends to happen over time in a marriage.
The end of my marriage rattled me up- I had to step out of my comfort zone, find my footing and create a new path. This was terrifying, and yet intrinsically illuminating. A commitment I had made at the young age of 23 with the permanence of a lifetime has been revised. We can’t go back in time, but if I could, I would’ve wished I’d had the idea to first marry myself. Commit to loving me, to have and to hold this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in healthy to love and to cherish till death do us part. Of course, I wouldn’t have listened, I needed to honor my path. I believe our journeys are perfect and unfold exactly as they must. There is unveiling enlightenment all along the way, and I am grateful for every moment.
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