Relationship Status: It’s Complicated (with Alcohol)
What is normal drinking?
My relationship with alcohol has been an eventful one. As an adolescent, I dabbled in my fair share of Smirnoff Ice’s and smuggled Labatt Blues out of my parents’ fridge. It was pretty typical behavior for most of my friends, and despite being caught and punished multiple times, I didn’t ever think I was doing anything outside the ordinary. My college years were also quite colorful. I had an assortment of friends, many of whom were down to party until breakfast time. Drinking was woven into the majority of on and off campus activities. I did some stupid stuff, and I learned from it. I learned a lot about how crappy drinking makes you feel, and knew I didn’t want to live feeling like that, but it seemed we all just kept doing it anyhow.
I came to discover that drinking was a problem but was also a solution. I was experiencing debilitating anxiety and panic attacks during the week, along with a blend of emotional instability, low self-confidence, low self-worth, lack of motivation and serious struggles with boundaries and relationships. I was silently suffering, and the alcohol was perpetuating all of my problems. And yet, alcohol was always waiting for me Thursday evening, sweeping me off to my temporary escape.
The trouble was, no one would’ve questioned my habits. It was very “normal” drinking patterns. A few nights a week, no day-time drinking, just the typical few glasses at night, double that if we were going out for the night. I was no different from most women my age. In fact, it seemed like that’s all people mostly wanted to do in there free time- meet at the bar, get together for drinks, wine-nights in. It seemed like a staple in life, and to go without drinking would mean giving up a sense of belonging. Secretly I wanted to stop drinking, but I also felt socially compelled to stick with it, and it served as a short-term escape from my anxiety.
Sober-Curious
The next decade was filled with ups and downs. I was married, in graduate school, and quickly learned I was pregnant with my first child. One of my deepest desires was finally coming true, I was going to become a mother! I couldn’t have had more joy and excitement in my heart!
This was also a unique opportunity. I had been handed a “free pass”. For the next 9 months I no longer needed to feel compelled to drink for relationships and interactions. Part of this terrified me as I felt I’d be losing my sense of belonging. But a bigger part of me let out a sigh of relief.
Those 9 months I spent in my own little experimentation lab within myself. I not only got to experience my body growing life within itself and await the most exciting transformation I could imagine… but I also experienced my life without alcohol and unhealthy living. I took better care of myself those 9 months than I had ever before. I felt the healthiest and calmest I’d ever felt in my life.
After my baby girl was born, I wanted to celebrate and pop some bubbly. I had missed enjoying those fun drunken events, as they had been my escape to La-La Land. I could be free, have fun, toss aside responsibility, and “relax”. I also wanted to reclaim my lost spot in my circle. I wanted to still be the Missy my friends wanted me to be, the Missy my husband wanted me to be, the Missy my family wanted me to be. The fun and spontaneous “sure let’s have a drink” Missy. But it was driven by this deep urge for belonging. To play my role in the ecosystem. To maintain equilibrium.
All at the risk of my own health and sanity.
As I resumed what I felt to be a reasonable relationship to alcohol as it aligned with others, I also brought back anxiety, panic attacks, depression, overwhelm, fear, and a lack of motivation. Not to say alcohol alone was the cause of all of my issues, but it was evident the compound effects alcohol had made my life feel heavy, hard, and dreadful.
After my 2nd pregnancy- which handed me my second “free pass” from alcohol, I had even more compelling evidence for myself that alcohol and my life did not need to be enmeshed as they were.
What is a “healthy” amount of alcohol?
It’s taken many years to stand where I do today- but somewhere along the way I finally set down the burden of needing to “fit in”. I took a sharp turn in my life and made some healthy changes, alcohol among them. I no longer wanted to sit on my couch every Friday and Saturday night 3 glasses in, watching Netflix. I no longer wanted to dread Sundays, wishing the morning away and praying I can get a nap that afternoon. I didn’t necessarily want to say “no alcohol ever again”, but I was ready to say “I need to change a lot of this”.
The truth is, alcohol made me feel like crap- no matter the amount. I started researching it more and more, as I knew it was making me ill but couldn’t figure out why it wasn’t such an obvious problem to society? Through years of my own personal experiences, reading, and listening to multiple health experts share their perspectives on this, I finally started to feel validated and heard in my own story and struggles.
Let’s call it was it is: toxic poison. Strip it down to the core. That’s why we call it “detox”. The body is working overtime to try to filter and breakdown and pass through the toxic poison. Cigarettes in my mind are very much similar to alcohol- because as quiet as we keep it, alcohol causes cancer, and there is a strong correlation to them. Look how drastically our society changed after smoking became “not cool”. Consider all of the lives saves, and illness prevented, especially looking at future generations. Yet, we haven’t been able to shift the view when it comes to wine, liquor, or beer. It’s just so woven into our cultural foundations. In some skewed reality, society has twisted alcohol into a “stress-relieving, health-benefitting” substance, which in reality I couldn’t disagree with more. Alcohol has never increased my wellness in any way whatsoever. It’s done quite the opposite.
Most of all, I thought about my daughters. I wanted to show them that life feels really REALLY good when you take care of yourself. Like REALLY freaking good. I wanted them to have a healthy baseline. They will grow up in a society where drinking is normalized- but I could give them a role model that could demonstrate an alternative- to live in a way that our bodies truly desire to be treated as. With healthy eating, activity, self-confidence, relationships, mindset, habits. I could be a guiding light for them so that they don’t find themselves locked up in a situation trying to fit in and making themselves ill from it.
What I’ve learned is that belonging, and connection are two different things. You can manage to “belong” to a group of people by modifying yourself, but that doesn’t mean you will feel deeply and meaningfully connected to them. Connection to me is what sparks joy, and with connection I will always belong. It’s helped guide me in relationships and how I show up and fulfil my roles.
Living Sober with A Drink Every Blue Moon
Today, I continue to have a relationship with alcohol, but I treat it more like an old party friend from years ago. We have a history together and had lots of fun. But when she comes to visit, I don’t want her hanging around for long. A few times a year she may stop by, we will chat for a bit and then I have other things to do. Once in a blue moon she’ll come and we will really have some fun (usually at a wedding or a big festive adult party)… but even in those situations, I make sure to say goodbye early in the night. I remember that while it seems like fun, this is not the type of relationship I want to spend my time in often. Its not a regular, typical weekend evening for me. I have many other relationships in my life that are much more fulfilling and important: my health, my children, my career, my spirituality, my intimate partnership, my personal development, etc. Alcohol isn’t even on the totem pole anymore- she’s just an old friend that I see a few times a year, and I’m happiest keeping it that way.
Sober September & Dry January
In 2020, my real-life friend Lauren and I had been discussing what are normalized drinking habits in our society, and decided to publicly host a group on Facebook called “Club Sober”, and created a Sober September Challenge where anyone who wanted to join could challenge themselves to passing on alcohol for 30 days. We had no idea how powerful this group would prove to be. The messages that poured in, thanking us for organizing it, for normalizing the idea of saying “no thanks” to drinks, for making it a positive act vs. a punishment to oneself (because its all about mindset). The group received such positive feedback that we hosted a Dry January that following winter, and are now kicking off our 2nd annual “Sober September” this month!
The beauty of the challenge is everyone comes from their own personal story- like my own- and we all have reasons why this challenge we know will benefit us. Even if its simply to feel more clarity and calmness in life.
If you’re interested in learning more, you can click here and check out the free group!
If you or a loved one are suffering from substance abuse issues and are in need of help, reach out to me directly or visit https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/national-helpline for support.
As a Life Coach, I help women who are living with anxiety and overwhelm take time for themselves so they can be the good role model they desire to be for their kids and family. If you’d like to connect and learn more about working together, click here and we can book a free clarity call where you will get clear on exactly what it is you desire, barriers that may be currently in your way, and the next steps to get you where you want to be.